A Parody of Character
by TheMidgetBee
Summary: AnkhMorpork is under seige! And the culprits are a group of strangely familiar young women...Now with added voting section: you get to choose what happens next. Ooh...
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Okay, I'm a wicked, wicked person. Inspiration for this struck when I was paging through all the Discworld fanfics on the site and I suddenly realised just how many Mary-Sues there were. Seriously, it's incredible.

So, I've decided to take the piss out of the genre, but in a nice way, obviously. I won't refer to individual stories, only generalities. And I'm sorry if it offends anyone who has (un)knowingly written a serious Mary-Sue type fic, but, well, you kind of left yourself open to it…

Oh and just so you know; my name _isn't_ Sarah Cooper. If there actually is a Sarah Cooper reading this, my apologies but the name was chosen at random and this story is not about you. Unless you'd like it to be.

* * *

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but Commander Vimes has another one in custody."

Lord Vetinari looked up from his paperwork at his secretary with surprise. "Another one? But it's only been an hour…" he sighed. "Very well, send them in."

Drumknott turned back to the waiting room. "His Lordship will see you now, Commander."

"Yes, yes, I heard," growled Vimes. "Come on, you." He dragged a young woman into the room and shoved her towards a chair. "Sit down."

She sprawled onto the chair and looked around with wonder. "I can't believe I'm in Lord Vetinari's office! This is so _cool_!"

Vetinari raised an eyebrow. The young woman squealed with delight.

"She does that a lot, sir," said Vimes with a sigh. "We found her in Captain Carrot's bedroom; apparently she was 'looking for souvenirs'."

"Souvenirs?"

"Yeah, I've got to have something to take back with me," said the girl. "Otherwise how will I be able to show people I've actually been to Ankh-Morpork?"

"I see," said Vetinari. "And what souvenir were you hoping to return with?"

"Just some of Carrot's underwear."

Vetinari blinked. "Why would you want—no, wait, I don't want to know." He stared at her. "What is your name, young lady?"

"Annistalacia Moonshine."

The stare continued.

The girl sighed. "Sarah Cooper."

"Miss Cooper, do you know why Commander Vimes brought you here?"

Sarah grinned. "Well, yeah; it's pretty obvious, isn't it?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, Vimesy has brought me here because someone is in terrible danger, or the city's in trouble and only I can save it because I'm so wonderful and beautiful and stuff, and when I've saved the city or whatever, you're probably going to fall desperately head over heels in love with me and marry me and we'll live together happily ever after. Sarah and Havvie forever!" she squealed happily.

"Havvie?"

Sarah smiled at him. "It's your nickname."

"Miss Cooper, I wasn't aware you knew me well enough for us to be on a first-name basis, let alone giving each other nicknames."

"Oh no, you haven't thought of a one for me yet."

"I can think of several," murmured Vimes.

"Oh, Sammie, you're so _terrible_."

Lord Vetinari steepled his fingers and looked at her over them. Sarah gave him an ecstatic look. "How would describe yourself, Miss Cooper?"

"Oh well, that's easy." She began counting her qualities off on her fingers. "I'm beautiful, and clever, and strong, and athletic, and funny, and popular, and really brave, and the bestest fighter in the whole world, and everyone loves me because I'm so nice, and I'm really modest and--"

"Would you like to know how I would describe you, Miss Cooper?" asked Vetinari.

"Sure thing, Havvie."

Vetinari grimaced slightly at the nickname. "I would describe you as a Mary-Sue."

Sarah gave him a shocked look. "What? No, no, no…I'm not a Mary-Sue."

"I can assure you that you are, Miss Cooper."

"No, I'm not," protested Sarah. "Mary-Sues sing. _I_ don't sing."

"For which we are all eternally grateful, I'm sure," said Vetinari dryly. "But if you were to sing…?"

"Oh, then it'd be the best singing ever."

Vetinari smiled.

"Damn," said Sarah, frowning slightly. "But seriously, I'm not a Mary-Sue; I have a well-rounded original character."

"Oh, so you have some flaws then?"

"Flaws?"

"Yes, every well-rounded original character has to have some flaws," Vetinari gestured to the Watch Commander. "For instance Vimes here has a terrible temper and can be quite speciest at times."

"And Lord Vetinari is a cold, calculating bastard with no real emotions," said Vimes, not willing to let that little dig slide. He grinned at Vetinari's expression. "Just telling it like it is, sir."

"Thank you for your assistance, Commander," said Vetinari sarcastically. "So, Miss Cooper, what flaws do you have?"

Sarah paused. "Oh, well, I do have _a_ flaw."

"Which is…?"

"I…er…I…" she screwed up her face, desperately trying to think of one. "…oh…no, wait…um…I get drunk easily."

"And that's a flaw because…?"

"Oh, because when I drink I get really giggly and flirty and cute, but that's okay because you'll find it really adorable and sexy and stuff," said Sarah with a flirtatious smile.

Vetinari gave her a startled look. "Miss Cooper, are you under the impression that I'm attracted to you?"

She flipped her hair over her shoulder and attempted to bat her eyelashes at him; unfortunately the effect was more 'nervous twitch' than 'seductress'. "Well, duh, just look at me! How can you resist?"

"Well, as hard as it may be--" Vetinari stopped as he saw the grin spread over the Watch Commander's face. "Oh for gods' sake, Vimes, can't you watchmen get your minds out of the gutter for one second?" he snapped.

"Sorry sir," said Vimes, sounding anything but.

"As I was saying; while I am aware that beauty comes in many guises, Miss Cooper, and I have no doubt that there are many men out there who would find you attractive, I'm afraid I cannot be counted within their number."

Sarah gave him a puzzled look. "Huh?"

"He means he doesn't fancy you," Vimes translated.

"Oh." Sarah frowned. "Honestly, Havvie, why've you always got to use four words when one will do?" Her face brightened. "Anyway, I know it's just some silly joke you're playing on me; I know you fancy me, everyone fancies me. You do, don't you, Sammie?"

"No."

"Oh, come _on_."

"Miss Cooper, why are you so adamant in your attempts to get two men old enough to be your father to express affection for you?" asked Vetinari.

Sarah giggled. "I would've thought that'd be obvious, Havvie. Sammie is so deliciously rugged; and as for you, well everyone _knows_ that beneath that cool, calm exterior is nothing but raw sexual charisma." She blew him a kiss.

"Raw sexual charisma? Him?" asked Vimes incredulously.

"Oh yeah," grinned Sarah. "He tries to hide it, but we all know it's there, just bubbling away under the surface."

Vetinari raised an eyebrow. "We?"

"Me and my friends."

"And your friends would be the other Mary-Sues that have visited the city, I suppose."

"Mary-Sue is such an offensive term--"

"But it's an apt one, don't you agree?" Vetinari handed her a piece of paper. "This is a list of the other Mary-Sues who my operatives and the Watch have tracked down within the city limits. Are the names of your friends on there?"

Sarah looked at the list with concern. "Yeah, but…but I don't understand. How are they Mary-Sues?"

"Well, let's see; incredible beauty and wit, intelligent, powerful in a rather unusual way, related to prominent citizens within the city who swear they've never even heard of these ladies before they arrived here, irresistible to men who otherwise would never normally be attracted to them…is any of this ringing any bells?"

"Well, yes, but that doesn't mean we're--" Sarah paused. "--it just means we're incredibly interesting people that's all!"

"Yes, incredibly interesting people who continually force themselves into other people's lives and seem to shape reality to their slightest whim," said Vetinari icily. "To be honest with you, Miss Cooper, when your kind started appearing on the Disc we originally thought you were creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions."

"Oh _right_," said Sarah sarcastically. "So you consider vampires drinking cocoa to be normal, but mysterious young women saving the city every other week is _weird_."

"It's not the saving of the city that I have a problem with, Miss Cooper. It's waking up in the morning next to some woman I have no recollection of meeting, and finding that not only have I married her but I've also become a father. Again. Honestly, it's becoming quite difficult keeping track of all their names; I accidentally called one by the wrong name the other day and my goodness, that woman can yell..."

"Some men would like having that much attention from women!"

"Yes, but _those_ men don't have to deal with the extremely angry letters from my aunt demanding a reason why I've never invited her to any of my weddings."

Sarah looked at him thoughtfully. "Oh yeah, I'd never noticed that."

"Maybe not, but she has," Vetinari said with a sigh. "She's very upset."

"And Sybil is getting touchy about all the attention I keep getting from you lot," said Vimes. "I keep telling her they all say they're my long-lost cousin or sister or daughter or my mum's second cousin three times removed, but she's right; no one has _that_ much family."

"Plus I keep marrying them," added Vetinari glumly.

"All against my _express_ wishes."

"Against mine too, Vimes."

Both men sighed.

Sarah made a frustrated noise. "This is so stupid! You're both supposed to be thinking about how wonderful I am and instead all I'm getting is whinging." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a notebook and pencil. "Let's see…'_Havvie stopped looking so depressed and stared at Sarah a.k.a. Annistalacia Moonshine, with rapt attention. "Miss Moonshine," he whispered. "Will you marry me?" "Yes, Havvie," said Annistalacia "But first, I must save the city from all these killer tomatoes!" She stood up and waved her very shiny sword. "Let's go, Sammie!"'_..."

"Miss Cooper, what are you doing?"

"Changing the story. Now be quiet, Havvie; I'm trying to write here."

Vimes looked at her with horror. "Oh gods, you're the worst kind of Mary-Sue, aren't you? The author herself barely disguised as an original character!"

"Don't overreact, Sammie."

"Miss Cooper, I insist you stop this at once," snapped Vetinari. "I will not have my city overrun with murderous vegetables. Or fruit."

"It's just a bit of fun, Havvie," said Sarah with a smile. She closed the notebook. "There, finished. So, Havvie, do you have anything to ask me?" she asked coyly.

"No."

Sarah frowned. "But…but I've just written that you've…" She gave him a puzzled look. "Havvie, you totally love me, right?"

Vetinari smiled. "I'm afraid you're mistaken in that regard, Miss Cooper."

"But the killer tomatoes at least…" In the streets below, someone screamed. She gave them both a triumphant look. "There, it did work! The tomatoes must be attacking!"

"Or it could just be normal street noise," said Vimes with a smirk. "This _is_ Ankh-Morpork."

She ran to the window. "Oh damn…" She pulled the notebook out of her pocket and shook it violently. "What's wrong with this thing? Does it need new batteries or something? Everything I write should happen; it usually does! Work, damn you!" she screamed at the pad.

"Miss Cooper, I--"

"I don't know what you two have done to my story, but I demand you stop it right now," shouted Sarah, waving the notebook wildly at the two men. "Or I'll….I'll…turn it into a slash story!"

The door to the office opened and Drumknott gave Vetinari an inquiring look. "Is everything okay, sir?"

"I think you'd better get the Palace Guard, Drumknott. Miss Cooper is becoming rather overwrought."

"Overwrought?" snarled Sarah. "I'll give you overwrought!" She opened the notepad. "_'Sam looked at Havelock with undisguised lust in his eyes. "I've wanted you for so long, my lord," he said, his voice trembling with desire. "I know, Sam," said Havelock, holding the Watch Commander close. "I feel the same way." He kissed him, softly at first then harder as their passion grew'_—hey, get off me!" She slapped ineffectually at the Palace Guards as they ripped the notebook from her grasp. "Havvie, save meeeee…!"

Vetinari sighed with relief as they manhandled her out of the door. "My word, what a disagreeable young woman."

Vimes chuckled. "You got that right, sir. And what was all that stuff about if she writes it in the notebook it happens? Utter rubbish, thinking she can turn us gay just by writing it." He glanced at the Patrician and looked away quickly, shifting uncomfortably.

Vetinari stared fixedly at his desk. "Completely preposterous, Sa—Vimes."

"Silly, really."

"Indeed."

"Er…"

"Hmm."

They both looked warily at the notebook lying ever-so-innocently on Vetinari's desk.

"Nevertheless, perhaps we should burn it…just in case."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I was bored, so I'm continuing with this. I have no idea if it's funny or not, but it amuses me so what the hell. Don't flame me, 'cause karma's a bitch. Oh and just in case you can't figure it out, stuff written in _italics_ are what Sarah's writing...and remember, she's a Mary-Sue and trying to change the story and--hey, just go and read the first chapter, okay?

Disclaimer: I forgot to write a disclaimer for the first chapter so here goes: They're not mine. There, satisfied?

* * *

'_Havvie turned to Drumknott, his eyes shiny with tears. "Drumknott, what have I done?" he wept. "How could I have thrown my darling Annistalacia into a cell?"_

_Drumknott smiled, he'd been waiting for this all day. "Would you like me to have Miss Moonshine released, sir?"_

_Havvie nodded. "Yes, Drumknott," he wailed suddenly. "Oh, my darling Annistalacia, can you ever forgive me?"_

_"How could she resist, sir?" said Drumknott, taking the opportunity to hold his employer close as his thin but strangely muscular body was wracked with sobs. "I know I couldn't."'_

"Miss Cooper?"

'_Annistalacia entered the room, her beautiful golden gown dirtied and torn in an incredibly alluring way. "You wanted to see me, Havvie?" she said in her very sexy voice._

_Havvie glanced at her then looked away in shame. "Oh, Annistalacia, how can you forgive me?'"_

"Excuse me, Miss Cooper?"

_'She stepped towards him, and reached out a hand, holding his tear-stained face. "How can I not, my love?"_

_Suddenly Havvie let out a wail of grief and ripped his shirt open, revealing his surprisingly well-developed pectoral and abdominal muscles. "Annistalacia, I don't deserve you!" he cried. He got down on one knee and pulled a small jewellery box out of his pocket. "I can't live without you a second longer; marry me!"'_

"Miss Cooper, will you please turn around?"

Sarah pouted. "No."

Drumknott sighed. "Okay, Miss_ Moonshine_, will you please turn around?"

She turned to him with a grin. "Of course, Drummie."

"Drummie? My name is Drumknott, Miss Coo—Miss Moonshine."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "I know that, Drummie, but I've got to give you a nickname; how else can I show my affection for you?"

"Lucky me," said Drumknott dryly.

"So what you doing down here? Come to take me upstairs to see Havvie?"

"Not quite. His Lordship has asked me to come down here to insist that you stop writing your ridiculous stories immediately, even if it is only by writing them in the dust on the floor," said Drumknott. "He also has asked me to remind you that he is in no way, shape or form going to marry you, despite your repeated attempts to get him to do so."

Sarah sighed. "I don't understand, Drummie, why isn't this working? It worked yesterday when I got Teppic to fall in love with me."

"We wondered about that ourselves, Miss Moonshine," Drumknott replied. "So we asked Unseen University's Librarian; apparently the powers of a Mary-Sue are broken once she is revealed to be one."

"Bugger."

"Besides, his Lordship is a little old for you, don't you think?"

Sarah frowned. "What do you mean by that? Just because he's…er…he's…how old is he anyway?"

"About fifty, I think, Miss Moonshine. I've never been sure exactly how old he is."

"Yeah, well, just because he's about fifty and I'm only fifteen doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us having a relationship." Sarah saw the expression on Drumknott's face and sighed. "You wouldn't understand, Drummie, ours is a forbidden love."

"Yes, Miss Moonshine; he's the one forbidding it."

"Oh, Drummie, you're so awful," Sarah reached a hand through the bars of her cell and stroked Drumknott's arm, smiling at him seductively. "Why don't you let me out of this cell and I'll go and sort all this out with Havvie."

"I don't think that would be a very good idea, Miss Cooper."

"Moonshine, Drummie, my name is Annistalacia Moonshine," snapped Sarah.

Drumknott sighed. "Okay, I don't think that would be a very good idea, Miss Moonshine."

"Oh come on," purred Sarah. "There'll be a reward in this for you…"

Drumknott chuckled. "Miss Moonshine, are you aware that in your brief reign of terror as a Mary-Sue, you turned me gay for one of your slush--"

"Slash."

"—slash stories and you never turned me back? So your seduction attempt won't work on me I'm afraid."

Sarah frowned. "But if all my powers disappeared once you guessed I was a Mary-Sue, why didn't you just turn straight again all by yourself?"

Drumknott shrugged. "I wish I knew. It's not as if I mind; I mean, his Lordship can be a very considerate lover, but…"

"But what?"

"Well, he never wants to cuddle afterwards. He just blushes slightly, gets dressed and leaves."

"Aww," said Sarah, patting his arm affectionately. "Poor Drummie. You feel unloved?"

Drumknott shrugged again. "I wouldn't say that; just that if it were to happen again, couldn't you at least write him giving me a quick kiss goodbye when he goes? His Lordship normally bolts out of the door so fast afterwards that I hardly have time to catch my breath before he's gone."

"I'll see what I can do." She smiled brightly at him. "Now about letting me out of here…?"

"No." And with that, Drumknott spun around and walked back out of the corridor, back to Vetinari's office.

Sarah sighed and knelt down on the floor, rubbing out the story she'd written.

_'Drumknott walked into his office and sat down at his desk. He looked up as the door to Vetinari's office opened and his Lordship approached him._

_"Drumknott," said Havvie. "I need to talk to you. Now."_

_Drumknott nodded and followed Havvie into the office. Havvie turned around to face his secretary and with a sigh, pulled the young man into his arms. "Drumknott, I'm so sorry," whispered Havvie. "I've treated you so shamefully. All those times you've comforted me by letting me shag you senseless on my desk and I've never even kissed you goodbye."_

_"Its okay, my lord," said Drumknott, his face radiating love for his employer. "I was happy to help."_

_"And you did, you did." Havvie kissed him softly on the lips. "But now I must say goodbye to you, for ever!" He released the young man and turned away, dramatically putting his hand against his forehead. "I am love with someone else!"_

_"Oh gods, sir," Drumknott bit his lip worriedly. "Is it…Commander Vimes?"_

_"No."_

_"Captain Carrot?"_

_"No."_

_"Leonard?"_

_"No."_

_Drumknott's lip curled slightly. "Corporal Nobbs?"_

_"No--" Havvie whirled around and gave Drumknott a disgusted look. "Corporal Nobbs? You honestly think _I_ could be interested in Corporal _Nobbs_?!" He shook his head and turned around again. "No; I am in love with Miss Moonshine!"_

_"You mean you aren't gay anymore then, sir?"_

_"No, Drumknott. And neither are you!"'_

"It won't work, you know. You've lost the power."

"We'll see about that," Sarah said absent-mindedly. Suddenly she looked up. "Hang on, who am I talking to?"

"Me."

Sarah grinned excitedly. "Miss Susan? You've come to save me?"

The voice chuckled unpleasantly. "Why would _she_ save you? She hates Mary-Sues as much as anyone; in fact, Susan's the one who turned me in."

"Oh. What's your name?"

"My name is Claire but I've called myself Cristixia Valentine, I was going for, y'know, something simple."

Sarah nodded approvingly. "So how come you're in here?"

"It's a long story."

Sarah shrugged. "Looks like we've got time, no matter how long it is."

"Okay. I've wanted to come here for the longest time and I thought, well, hardly any Mary Sues go to Lancre so off I went. And it was fun, I saw the castle and I met Greebo and it was all going really well and no one even guessed I was a Mary Sue until I met Granny Weatherwax."

"Oh gods…"

"I'd just finished reading 'Lords and Ladies' the day before so I thought wouldn't it be cool if I faced off with Granny just like Diamanda did, so…"

"And you won?"

"Yep. That was what tipped her off; of course being recognised stripped me of my powers and she was able to convince me I was really a frog for a while, which was actually pretty cool. But when it wore off I couldn't get back home; so I thought I'd come to Ankh-Morpork and try using L-space."

"Did it work?"

Claire sighed. "I don't know, I never tried it. I was heading to Unseen University when I saw Angua and Sally and William de Worde all walking around and I couldn't resist trying something else; so I disguised myself as a schoolgirl and tried to sneak into Miss Susan's class."

"And she figured it out? What gave it away?" asked Sarah curiously.

"Well, the fact that she normally teaches eight year-olds may have done it; I'm twenty-five."

"Oh. It was a good try though."

"Thanks. So you tried going after Vetinari? Risky."

"Yeah, I know, but I couldn't resist. That man is just so…" Sarah sighed happily.

Claire sighed too. "Oh, I know. I saw his carriage drive by once and…_wow_." She shifted slightly. "Of course, you know where you went wrong, don't you?"

"No."

"You've got to write yourself as pregnant or as already had his child," said Claire. "All that suddenly falling in love stuff, he looks out for it now, and he knows what signs of Mary-Sueism to look for. But if you write that you've already had or are about to have his baby then he just sends you to go and live in Pseudopolis with his aunt, regardless of what you've already done."

"Oh." Sarah started to hurriedly write in the dust.

_'Annistalacia smiled at Havvie. "My love, you're about to become a father."--'_

"It won't work now, so don't bother. Besides you're only fifteen, why would you want to be a mum?"

"I don't, not really, but just think of it; mother to Havvie Vetinari's baby…" Sarah smiled at the thought.

"Yeah, well it's not as great as you'll think it'd be. I knew one girl who Mary-Sue'd herself, she's got the kid and lives with the aunt and everything, but the aunt barely acknowledges her because she wasn't invited to the wedding and the baby spends all day staring at her. Plus she said she's convinced it's plotting to overthrow her or something."

"But it's just a baby!"

"That's what I said. But she just kept on going on about it being like that kid Stewie from 'Family Guy'. Imagine having _that_ as your child."

"Creepy."

"Exactly; you're well out of it."

"I guess," Sarah sighed. Her face brightened. "So what did you think of Vimes? Isn't he gorgeous or what?"

* * *

"Ah, Drumknott," said Vetinari as the secretary entered the room. "How did it go with Miss Cooper?" 

"Well, she's still insisting on being called by her Mary-Sue name, sir," said Drumknott, placing a pile of the latest decoded clacks on Vetinari's desk. "But I told her to stop writing her stories like you asked."

"Capital. That dreadful buzzing noise they created as they attempted to work was most distracting. Still, at least there's no longer any over-whelming compulsion to comply with her wishes." He looked up and smiled at his secretary. "Speaking of which; how are you coping with…that?"

"Resisting like hell, sir."

"Good. But you're still getting the urge to--"

"Rip all our clothes off, throw myself naked onto the desk and ask you to be gentle with me?" Drumknott nodded. "Afraid so, sir."

"Ah yes, well, I do have Mr Stibbons working on the problem, Drumknott. He should have Miss Cooper's handiwork reversed soon enough."

"Don't make him rush on my account, sir. I'm quite enjoying the change; it's really opened up my social life."

"I bet." Vetinari smiled. "Oh, speaking of which; Drumknott, did you send a clacks to Lady Margolotta recently without my permission?"

Drumknott's face went blank. "Not that I recall, sir," he said slowly.

"Really? So you don't remember sending her a message saying—what was it now? Oh yes, here it is—'Keep your hands off, bitch. He's mine'?" Vetinari raised an eyebrow.

"Oh _that_ message," Drumknott chuckled uneasily. "It's…um…part of the spell, sir."

"Ah. Because I distinctly remember telling you that last time we…that it was a one-off, Drumknott, and that it would never happen again."

"Yes but you said that the last twenty-three times, sir."

"And I meant it every time. So don't send any more messages like this to my female friends, please."

* * *

"So let me get this straight," said Claire slowly. "You turned yourself into a Mary-Sue who was Carrot's long-lost twin sister and you were caught stealing some of his underwear. Why…why would you want your brother's underwear?" 

"Because he isn't my real brother," said Sarah. "It's only a story. Besides, he's hot."

"But you're _in_ the story. And if you fancy Carrot, why the hell would you pretend to be his sister? It's so…urgh."

Sarah shrugged. "Well, I was going to be Vimes' long-lost daughter who he fathered whilst in a drunken haze, but it's so unoriginal."

"Riiiight. But going after Vetinari is?"

"Oh, shut up. Anyway, I decided not to be related to Vimes because I think he's even hotter than Carrot, and I wanted to leave my options open. Y'know, just in case."

"So in the three days you've been on the disc you've seduced Teppic, Visit and Stanley, tried to marry Vetinari and attempted to steal some of Carrot's underwear," Claire gave her a disgusted look. "You are such a slut."

"It's the hormones! I'm fifteen, after all."

"Fine; then you're a fifteen year-old hormone-driven slut."

"No, I'm not!"

"Oh, _please_. You'd probably go after Nobby given half the chance."

"That's so stupid, I'd nev--" Sarah paused for a second. "Although he is kind of cute, in a small sort of way…"

"_Ewwww_!"


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: There really isn't a plot to this. And I know it's weird but what the hell, I'm having fun with it, even if I don't know what's going on. But thank you to Adacadus for inspiring me with this chapter; cross-overs! How could I have forgotten the dreaded cross-over?

-oO0Oo-

"Pssst!"

No reaction. The voice tried again.

"_Pssst_!"

Still nothing.

"Annistalacia, you dozy cow!"

Sarah finally looked up, a huge grin on her face. "Michelle? Is that you?"

"A_-hem_."

Sarah sighed. "Sorry. Mishakala Creampuff? Is that you?"

A young girl wearing far too much leather to be healthy at her age stepped out of a shadowy corner of the cell. "Yes, it is I, Mishakala Creampuff," the girl announced proudly. "I have come to save you, Annistalacia Moonshine, from the terrible confinement of the Patrician's cells--"

Claire snorted. "Where does she think she is? Middle Earth?"

Michelle a.k.a. Mishakala glared at her. "_No_," she said peevishly. "But I'm a hero; I've got to talk like this."

"Not on Discworld you don't."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh. On Discworld every talks normally--"

"—except for Havvie--" added Sarah.

"—well yeah, except for him. Heroes talk like we do."

Michelle sniffed. "Yeah, well, _I_ think it adds drama. Anyway, I'm here to save you from this terrible fate."

"Lucky us."

Michelle ignored her and turned to Sarah. "Okay, so where's the key?"

"What?"

"The key." Michelle glanced around the room. "So is it hanging on a nail across the room from the cell in plain sight so you despair? Or is it on an overly-large key-ring that I have to steal from a slumbering guard?"

"Neither. It's upstairs; Havvie's got it," said Sarah.

"Oh." Michelle frowned. Suddenly her face brightened. "I could go upstairs and seduce it away from him--"

"No!"

"Okay, okay," grumbled Michelle. "Jeez, Sarah, I know you're possessive of Vetinari and all, but there's no need to bite my head off--"

"Wait a second; I'm sorry for interrupting," said Claire sounding anything but. "But who the hell are you?"

"Claire, this is Michelle, my friend from school," explained Sarah with a sigh. "Michelle, this is Claire, a sarcastic bitch and fellow Mary-Sue."

Michelle smirked. "That's pretty obvious. Anyway, what are you doing stuck in a cell, Sarah? Last I heard you were heading to the Watch-house to reveal your Secret Identity to Carrot."

"I got arrested. Apparently Havvie has twigged about the Mary-Sue thing and we lose our powers if we're identified."

"Damn," Michelle frowned again. "Well, I can't get the cells open without a key, and as a barbarian heroine I'm naturally mistrustful of magic so that won't work so…um…Oh, I've got an idea!"

"Aw, is it lonely?" said Claire.

"Shut up." Michelle pulled a battered notebook and pencil out of a small bag around her neck. "Now let's see; '_Mishakala gasped as a bright light suddenly filled the cell area; a young boy fell through a vortex-thing on the ceiling like those dimensional portal wotsits on _Angel_. Mishakala ran up to him and gasped again as she saw the lightening shaped scar on the boy's forehead. "Ohmigod, Harry Potter!"'"_

"A Harry Potter-Discworld cross-over? How original."

Sarah frowned. "Harry Potter? But, Michelle, you haven't read the books and you've only seen the movies once; how can you write a Harry Potter fic?"

"Easy; fit boy, magic powers, always wins," Michelle said with a grin. "Besides, everyone knows that watching a movie of a book is just as good as reading the book anyway."

In her cell Claire swore under her breath and started banging her head against a wall.

"Yeah, but you said that about Lord of the Rings," said Sarah uneasily. "And you almost got lynched after you wrote that fic about Legolas becoming a surfer who took you to your prom."

"Do you want to get rescued or what?" snapped Michelle. She shut the notebook and put it back in the bag. "Now, one…two…three…"

She gasped as a bright light suddenly filled the cell area; a young boy fell through a vortex-thing on the ceiling like those dimensional portal wotsits on _Angel_. She ran up to him and gasped again as she saw the lightening shaped scar on the boy's forehead.

"Ohmigod, Harry Potter!"

"I can't believe I'm stuck with you two morons…" Claire grumbled.

"Shut up." Michelle reached out a hand to the boy. "Are you okay?"

As Harry looked up, his tetchy expression was replaced with one of rapturous adoration. "You---you're so beautiful!"

Michelle nodded demurely. "I know, Harry."

"I must know your name at once so I can proclaim my love for you properly!"

Claire snorted. "Harry Potter wouldn't say something like that; who the hell is she trying to write him as?"

Sarah sighed. "Damned if I know; she's probably been watching _Titanic_ again."

"My name is Mishakala Creampuff."

"Mishakala…" Harry sighed and clutched his hands to what would've been, if it were not for a few chance chromosomes, his bosom. "What a beautiful and totally original name. Oh, Mishakala, how I adore you!"

"I know, Harry; I know."

"Is there anything I can do for you, my love?"

Michelle smiled. "Yes, Harrykins. My friends are trapped in these cells here; could you, y'know, magic them out or something?"

"Of course, light of my life, right away." He pulled his wand then stopped, an uncertain look on his face. "…except…um…except that I don't seem to remember any spells…er…"

"Huh?"

Claire burst out laughing. "You thought you could write a wizard without learning any of his spells first," she crowed. "Harry Potter characters need actual spell-words to work magic; you can't just have him point the wand!"

"But that's how Discworld characters do it--"

"Yeah, but he _isn't_ a Discworld character."

"Oh crap."

Harry looked at Michelle with a shocked expression. "Swearing is naughty," he said reproachfully.

"Shut up, Harry," Michelle snapped. "Oh! I've got a new idea!" She pulled out the notebook again and started scribbling.

"Oh gods, we're doomed," moaned Claire. "Let me guess; you're summoning Doctor Who instead? Or have you decided to go for Legolas this time? Don't you think the poor thing's suffered enough at your demented hands?" She shrugged at the inquiring look Sarah directed her way. "I read the surfer story."

Suddenly the vortex started up again. This time though a young blonde woman fell through the portal. She hit the floor with a thud, then quickly picked herself up and gave the room a disdainful look. "What's going on?" she asked in a irritable voice.

Michelle grinned and gestured to the blonde. "Ladies, I give you…Buffy the Vampire Slayer!"

Sarah nodded slowly. "…oh, so that explains some of Harry's dialogue. You been watching Season Two?"

Buffy gave the two cell-mates a disgusted look and grimaced. "Did you bring me here to save you or something?" she asked nastily. "I don't have time for this; I'm the Slayer! I don't have time for saving people. People who need rescuing are weak."

Sarah's eyes widened in horror. "…Season seven…" she choked out before fainting with fear.

-oO0Oo-

Vetinari coughed nervously as he reached for his trousers. "Well…um…back to work, I guess, Drumknott."

"If you say so, sir," said Drumknott with a sigh. He turned to Vetinari and gave him a seductive look. "You know, you don't have another meeting for twenty minutes…" he purred.

Vetinari gave him a panicked look and quickly pulled his trousers on. "Oh good, that gives me twenty minutes to prepare then," he said hurriedly. "Now if you would be so kind as to get off my desk please."

Drumknott laughed and stretched. "Do you really want me to get off, sir? Because I'd rather you joined me on here instead," he patted an empty space next to him. "It'll help relax you for your meeting."

"I don't think so."

"I insist."

Vetinari gave him an exasperated look. "I _said_--" he snapped. Suddenly his expression and tone softened. "—yes, Rufus." He gave the secretary a shy smile. "How can I resist your charms?"

"Oh, Havelock," sighed Drumknott happily, holding out his arms as Vetinari stepped towards him. Vetinari unbuttoned his trousers again and let them fall to the floor as he bent down to kiss Drumknott. All of a sudden he stopped and his eyes narrowed.

"Marty Stu," he hissed.

-oO0Oo-

"So I said to them, 'I'm the Chosen One, the _only_ Slayer'," said Buffy. "I mean, yeah, there's Faith but she went evil and stuff so she doesn't count, even if she claims she's reformed and she saved Angel." She paused and gave Harry a quick once-over. "You know you could be pretty hot if you stopped growing, aged about twenty years, worked out, stopped eating, killed your hair follicles with bleach and became a vampire."

Harry gave her a puzzled look. "…er…thanks?"

Buffy nodded. "You're welcome. Of course you'd have to follow me around like a little puppy-dog and cave in to my every demand for a couple of years before I'd even look at you. Y'know, because I'm the Slayer and obviously much better than you."

"Oh." He laughed nervously and tried to edge away slowly. "Lucky me."

"Sarah? Sarah?" Michelle gave Claire a panicked look. "She's not waking up!"

Claire gave them both a disinterested look. "Yeah, looks like."

Michelle waved her hands frantically. "What if she never wakes up? She's got my Girls Aloud cd!"

Claire shrugged. "You could try throwing a glass of water in her face."

"Great idea. Do you have one?"

"No," Claire grinned. "But I do have a bucket I've been peeing into."

Michelle grimaced. "Ewww, gross!"

Claire laughed. "Why don't you just get Girl Wonder over there to kick the cell door in? Then you can check on Sarah properly."

Buffy glared at her. "That would be beneath me."

"Well, aren't you useful?"

Michelle walked over to Buffy and gave her a pleading look. "Please, Buffy, can't you remember back to the earlier seasons when you were nice and a decent human being who would help people?"

"I don't have to anything like that anymore," said Buffy disdainfully. "I died for you lot, my work is _done_."

Michelle sighed. "I knew I shouldn't have watched _Get It Done_ before trying this." She pulled out the notebook again. '_Suddenly a door opened behind Harry and Buffy. They went home.'_ She sighed again as the two badly-written cross-over characters went back to their respective 'verses. "Oh well, I tried."

-oO0Oo-

Vetinari slammed a hand down on a section of his desk and grabbed a knife out the drawer that silently slid out in response. With one hand he pulled on pseudo-Drumknott's hair, forcing his head back, and held the knife to the young man's throat, "Where is my secretary?" he asked calmly.

"I—er—what makes you think I'm not Drumknott?"

Vetinari gave him a mirthless smile. "Having gay sex with me? Sending rude clackses to Margolotta? The terrible misfiling? He would never act that way, even under the influence of a Mary-Sue he would issue some form of protest, especially about the filing. Unfortunately your malign influence prevented me from realising it until now. So I repeat my question; where is my secretary?"

"Sec-second floor, backstairs broom closet, behind the pile of mops."

"Ah. And what is your name, young man?"

Pseudo-Drumknott looked up into those cold blue eyes and decided not to push his luck. "Steve. Steve Finchley."

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr Finchley." The knife withdrew and Steve began to breathe again. "Get dressed."

He nodded hurriedly. "Yes sir." Out of the corner of his eye, Steve saw Vetinari quickly pull on his own clothing and sit back down in his chair.

"So, Mr Finchley, would you care to explain?"

Steve cringed. "Not really, sir."

"Oh but I insist."

Steve adjusted the last of his clothes and gave Vetinari an apologetic look. I only wanted to meet you, my lord. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"Really."

"Yeah, it's just…well, I know it's traditional to assume the identity of an original character but I've never been very good at thinking up stuff like that so I thought it'd be easier if I just kidnapped a minor character and assumed his identity instead. I really only meant to meet you; all this other stuff came as a surprise really." Steve bit his lip nervously. "I think what must have happened is another Mary-Sue tried to engineer a slash encounter between you and Drumknott, and as I was assuming Drumknott's identity at the time…"

"…You were forced to comply with her demands on Drumknott's character?" Steve nodded and Vetinari sighed. "How long since you kidnapped Drumknott?"

"About a week, sir."

"I see." Vetinari reached across the desk to the speaking tube to alert the Palace guard of his guest's presence. Suddenly he paused and he shot Steve a puzzled look. "Hang on, what do you mean by 'minor character'?"


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: What Michelle says to the guards is a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Six, Episode One. I do not claim credit for writing that quote, I merely like it and have borrowed it shamelessly.

Don't sue.

Oh, and in case anyone is interested, I found the questionnaire to 'A Measure of Tyranny' on my computer last night and have posted it, complete with Lord Vetinari's answers (pre-spell) on my profile page.

* * *

Steve shot Vetinari a panicked look. "Nothing!" he squeaked. "I meant nothing at all; I just say the weirdest things sometimes for no reason!" He laughed nervously. 

Vetinari raised an eyebrow and picked up the knife again. "Really? Because I think you did, so let me ask you again; what did you mean when you referred to Drumknott as a minor character?"

Steve eyed the knife anxiously. "I really shouldn't tell you, sir."

"But you will though, won't you?"

He nodded. "Yes sir." He took a deep breath to calm his nerves; it didn't work. "I-I come from Roundworld, sir, it's where all the Mary-Sues come from. On this Roundworld there's a series of books, about…here."

Vetinari steepled his fingers. "I see."

"And these books tend to focus one specific characters, sir," continued Steve. "Like, um, the Watch, or these witches up in Lancre for example. You're in them too, sir--" He grinned. "—although not as much as some people would like."

"And Drumknott?"

"He's in the more recent ones, sir, but not much because he's, well, only a minor character in the stories. He's a bit boring to tell you the truth."

"Ah." Vetinari gave Steve a long cool stare. "Tell me, young man, do you take dried frog pills?"

"No."

"Perhaps you should start."

-oO0Oo-

Everyone looked up as a high-pitched screaming came from the floor above.

"But it's true, I tell you! You're not real! None of this is real! You're all make-believe!"

"Yeah, well, the make-believe Patrician has told us to chuck you down here 'til you start making sense," replied a rougher sounding voice. "Now let go off the make-believe door-frame or I'll break all your fingers, alright?"

Claire glanced at Michelle anxiously. "Have you got super-powers?"

She gave her a puzzled look. "What?"

"Super-powers," hissed Claire. "You know, like super-strength or speed or something so you can knock out the guards and let us out of here."

"Oh," Michelle frowned. "Well no, I didn't think I'd need any. " She paused. "Being super-cute doesn't count, does it?"

Claire sighed. "Get your notebook out and write this down. '_Mishakala Creampuff suddenly felt herself growing stronger as she wrote down the words in her notebook. "My goodness," she exclaimed. "I feel as strong as Buffy now, but not as slutty. I bet I could knock out those guards with one punch."_' Is it working?"

"I think so. My goodness," Michelle exclaimed. "I feel as strong as Buffy now, but not as slutty. I bet I could knock out those guards with one punch." She frowned. "Buffy isn't a slut. I mean, she only slept with four guys in seven seasons."

"She had sex with Spike, that automatically makes her a slut," said Claire brusquely. "And don't even get me started on that Attempted Rape forgiveness thing."

"Yeah but--"

"Oh, here's the guards; quick, get them!"

Michelle spun around and grinned at the two burly Palace Guards. They grinned back; the two of them against one little girl? This should be fun…

Twenty seconds later Michelle stood triumphantly over their fallen bodies. "That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!" she crowed.

Claire gave her an inquiring look. "Huh?"

Michelle shrugged. "I always wanted to say that line."

"Oh. Great." She pointed at a teenage boy who was huddled in the corner of the room. "Who's that?"

The boy sniffled. "My name's Steve."" He gave Michelle an anxious look. "Is she going to start kicking people again? Because that was scary."

Michelle gave him a flirtatious grin. "Thanks."

"Ye-e-es," said Steve slowly. "So who are you people? And why are you dressed like a schoolgirl? You must be, like, thirty or something."

Claire glared at him. "I'm twenty-five," she hissed. She sighed. "I'm Claire, the girl passed out in the cell next to me is called Sarah and the girl who looks like a reject from a Xena convention is Michelle. We're Mary-Sues."

"Oh," Steve nodded. "That explains a lot. I'm a Marty-Stu myself."

"So how'd you get caught?"

"I disguised myself as Drumknott," said Steve proudly. "I got away with it for almost a week too but some Mary-Sue made Drumknott and Vetinari gay again so I've been performing for his Lordship ever since. That's how I caught."

"That must've been Sarah," said Michelle. "She loves slash; it always makes her giggle--"

"Hang on," interrupted Claire. "When you say 'performing' do you mean…?"

Steve grinned.

"Oh gods, I'm so jealous," she sighed. "What was it like?"

"What was what like?" asked Michelle with a frown.

"You're too young to know," said Claire brusquely. "So go on, Steve, how was he…?"

"Let's just say that working for Lord Vetinari under those circumstances can lead to quite a bit of job satisfaction."

"I bet." Claire paused. "You are over eighteen, right?"

"Yeah, I turned eighteen two weeks ago. Why?"

"Just checking."

-oO0Oo-

"And then, gentlemen, this young man insisted that we are all simply figments from the imagination of one--" Vetinari looked down at the notes on his desk. "—Terry Pratchett."

"Stupid idea," blustered Ridcully. "How we not be real?" He smacked the Bursar around the back of the head. "See? Real."

"Yes, but unfortunately the young man was rather insistent that we are not."

"Just give him some dried frog pills, that'll soon make him see sense."

Vetinari sighed. "I did; he just started giggling a lot."

"Actually, my lord, he may have been telling you the truth," said a quiet voice from the back of the room.

"Ah, Mr Stibbons," said Vetinari. "I was wondering when you would venture an opinion. Would you care to explain?"

Ponder smiled nervously as everyone in the room turned to face him. "Well, my lord, there actually is a place called Roundworld."

"There is?"

"Yes, we accidentally created it one day while performing another experiment. It's an interesting place."

"It's a damned silly place, that's what it is," said Ridcully. He saw Vetinari's inquiring look. "We went there a few times to save it from elves and so on."

"I see," said Vetinari slowly. He turned back to Ponder. "Does this Roundworld actually have a human population?"

Ponder nodded. "Yes, that's one of the most interesting things about it; they have humans but none of the other sentient species who have here on the disc--"

"Ook."

"—except orang-utans, they have those," Ponder added hurriedly. "But no dwarfs, trolls, or any of the like."

"What about the undead?"

"No, none of those either. Although there are rumours of them existing, but we've never seen any during our observations."

Vetinari stared at him. "Mr Stibbons, forgive me if I sound somewhat brusque, but what exactly is your point?"

"Well, the Librarian has become rather interested in the Roundworld, my lord, we think he likes watching the forests or something because it reminds him of his natural habitat." He saw Vetinari's eyebrow rise and decided to get to the point quicker. "He…er…well, he wrote a story about one of the orang-utans there." He handed Vetinari a sheet of paper.

The Patrician looked down at it dispassionately. "This is just a sheet of paper with the word 'Ook' scrawled across it, Mr Stibbons. And someone has drawn a crude sketch of a banana in the corner."

Ponder sniffled and tried to blink back his tears. "I know, my lord; it's beautifully written, isn't it?" He wiped away an errant tear. "I cry every time I read it."

"Assume my studies in Orang-utan have been rather lax in recent years. What does it actually say?"

"Well, my lord, it's a very moving story about a young orang-utan male who rises from the obscurity of the forest to becoming a world-famous star in their clicks and finds love along the way."

"And this is relevant because…?"

Ponder smiled slightly. "Because it actually happened. After the Librarian wrote the story, a young orang-utan did become a clicks star."

Ridcully snorted. "A mere coincidence! Means nothing, Stibbons."

"That's what I thought as well, sir, so we got the Bursar to write something too." He handed another couple of sheets of paper to Vetinari.

"Is this another story about an ape?" asked Vetinari warily.

"No, it's about a human, my lord," explained Ponder. "A man called…" He looked down at the paper. "…Tony Blair. Now this man was actually the ruler of his country when the Bursar wrote it, he's called a 'Prime Minister' or something. He was doing quite a good job of it, by all accounts…well, at least until the story."

"The events the Bursar wrote about actually transpired?"

"Yes, my lord."

Vetinari began to read the story. "My word," he murmured. "They actually let him get away with doing something like that?"

"Yes, my lord," said Ponder. "We're actually quite interested to see what will happen to him when the Bursar has finished his sequel; it's called 'I'm Not Quitting My Job, No Matter How Much People Want Me to Go'. It's already makes for a riveting read."

-oO0Oo-

Sarah opened her eyes and screamed. "Oh gods, is she here? She's here, isn't she? Oh gods, make her go away!"

Claire gave her a resounding slap across the face. "She's gone, so shut up." She rubbed her hand as she grimaced slightly. "That hurt."

Sarah sighed in relief. "Thank goodness. "She paused. "Hey, the doors open. And what happened to the guards?" She looked up. "And who's he?"

Michelle grinned. "I kung-fu'd the guards."

"It was terrifying," said Steve. He held out a hand. "Steve Finchley; Drumknott impersonator extraordinaire. I hear I have you to thank for the past couple of days."

"Huh?"

"You wrote Drumknott and Vetinari into a slash story," explained Claire. "Steve was impersonating Drumknott at the time, so…"

"So…?" asked Sarah with a frown.

Claire sighed and mentally uttered a curse against all teenage fanfiction writers. "…So think about it…" she said slowly.

Sarah's frown deepened, then realisation finally dawned and she grinned. "Oh." She chuckled. "_Oh_."

Michelle forehead wrinkled. "What? I don't understand." Sarah leaned over and whispered the answer in her ear. She gave Steve a disappointed look. "You're gay?"

Steve shrugged. "Not usually."

"But you've been flirting with me!"

"I have?"

"Yes, you said--"

"Mish, how many times do I have to tell you?" asked Sarah with a sigh. "Just because a boy looks at you doesn't mean he fancies you."

-oO0Oo-

"George W. Bush? Kevin Federline? Victoria Beckham? Paris Hilton?" said Vetinari incredulously. "You've written stories about all of these people?"

"Yes my lord."

Vetinari glanced down at the Paris Hilton story warily; for some reason after reading it he'd felt the need to go home, have a nice long bath and scrub his skin until it bled. "And all them complied with the stories?"

"Yes, my lord. We think that maybe the two universes—the Roundworld and here—sort of feed off each other; an exchange of realities, if you will. I would even go so far as to hypothesize that's why the Mary-Sues have such an impact. After all, if we can change their reality just by writing a story, why can't they change ours?"

"Hmm," said Vetinari. He stood up. "I think it's time I went and had a few words with some former Mary-Sues."


	5. Chapter 5

"So, anyway, what was it like?" asked Sarah with a smile. "Was he a mass of gleaming muscles topped of with a steely blue stare?"

"Yeah, like Spike off 'Buffy'," chimed in Michelle.

Steve gave them a puzzled look. "Er…no."

"No?"

"No." He shook his head in bewilderment. "I don't get you Mary-Sues, I really don't. Every time you write a scene with Vetinari taking his shirt off he turns out to be more ripped than Carrot. I mean, honestly, the guy is stick-thin. He's got a chest like a toast rack."

Michelle burst into tears. "You're lying! Sarah, tell him he's lying!"

Sarah gave him a blank look. "So he's just really skinny?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Steve sighed. "If it's any kind of consolation it's a good kind of skinny."

Sarah smiled. "Oh. Well that's okay then."

"So when you say he's skinny," said Claire thoughtfully. "What kind of skinny are we talking about?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

Steve thought for a moment. Then he thought some more. "Um…are there really different types of skinny?"

"Of course," said Sarah. "It's like the difference between being thin like Johnny Depp or thin like Pete Doherty."

"Oh, so you mean thin-but-lean or thin-but-strangely-puffy?"

The girls nodded.

Steve looked at their eager faces and tried to decide which answer to give; preferably the one which wouldn't get him ripped apart by three enraged fangirls. But which one? After all, Depp was attractive, Steve mused, but wasn't Doherty something of a sex symbol these days too? Plus he _had_ managed to snag Kate Moss…but so had Depp…buggerbuggerbugger…

"So which is it?" snapped Claire.

"Er…" He took a deep breath. "…the first one…?"

As the girls sighed happily, Steve offered up a prayer of thanks to all the Discworld gods he could think of.

* * *

"Well, it's certainly an interesting approach to relationships," said Vetinari to himself as he looked over one of the Bursar's stories once more. "My goodness, can you believe this, Drumknott? They actually allow this Federline person to reproduce. It's amazing."

"Astonishing, sir," said Drumknott politely. "Um…sir?"

"Yes, Drumknott?"

"About the Marty-Stu who managed to impersonate me for a week without you noticing…"

Vetinari froze. "What about him?"

"He didn't do anything…untoward, did he?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Well, during my imprisonment I experienced some very…unusual thoughts, sir. Towards you. "Drumknott smiled nervously. "They were rather…inventive, sir. And quite energetic."

"Really?" said Vetinari innocently. "I didn't notice anything."

"I didn't think you would, sir, and I'd hesitate to even mention it but one of the maids said that she heard some very unusual noises coming from your office in the past week."

"You shouldn't listen to idle gossip, Drumknott," snapped Vetinari. Suddenly he smiled and handed the secretary one of the stories. "You obviously need something to keep your mind off of such things. Here, read this."

"Thank you, sir." Drumknott looked down at the paper. "'Parisian Kiss: Tales of an Heiress,' he read. "Oh, I like romances."

* * *

"Well now that's all sorted…" said Steve slowly.

"Hang on," Claire interrupted. "I've got one more question." She leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

Steve's mouth dropped open. "Oh…my…god. What the _hell_ is wrong with you?" he shrieked.

"Oh, come on. Enquiring moods want to know."

"Okay, but you promise this is the last question?"

Claire nodded. Steve sighed and held out his hands.

She grinned. "Cool."

Michelle frowned. "What are you two talking about? I don't understand."

"What a surprise."

Michelle turned to her friend. "Sarah, what are they talking about?"

"Damned if I know," Sarah shrugged. "Is anyone going to let me out of this cell?"

Claire's grin got wider. "We're talking about his--"

"—Shoe size!" interrupted Steve hurriedly. "We're talking about Vetinari's shoe size."

"Oh." Michelle's frown lifted as her mind emptied of all those troublesome thoughts. "You guys are weird."

"Uh-huh. Now how about you had me the key and I'll get the girls out of these cells."

"Oh, right." Michelle looked around absent-mindedly. "I think I lost it." Sarah and Claire groaned.

"Write this down," said Claire with a sigh. "_'Mishakala Creampuff looked down at her hands with wonder. "Oh my god!" she screeched like a banshee. "I think I've got magic powers! I could just point at the cell doors and magic them off. Abakazamezoo!" She pointed one of her gnarled, twig-like fingers at the door and it fell off. The door that is, not her finger_.'"

"…screamed like a banshee…" murmured Michelle as she scribbled in the notebook. She looked up as she realised what Claire had just said. "Hey, I don't have twig fingers!"

"Yes you do."

"Do not!"

"Claire, maybe pissing off the one Mary-Sue who still has powers isn't such a great idea," said Steve anxiously.

Claire held up her hands in supplication. "I'm just telling the truth; if the twig can't handle it--"

"I am not a twig!" shrieked Michelle. "I am a Mary-Sue! I'm beautiful and clever and everyone loves me--"

"Steve doesn't."

"Yes, he does!" Michelle started scribbling in her notebook again. "He's completely and utterly in love with me."

"No I'm not--" his eyes glazed over. "—Yes. Yes I am."

"Oh for gods' sake," snapped Claire.

Sarah sighed. "Mish, you can't Mary-Sue the Marty-Stus; it's against the code."

"What code?" Michelle smiled as Steve gazed lovingly at her. "You didn't say anything about there being a Mary-Sue code."

"That's because we didn't need one before you showed up, you daft cow." Claire glared at Sarah. "I blame you for this, you know. She's _your_ friend."

"Not for long. Seriously, Mish, just turn the poor guy back."

"Shan't."

"_Michelle_."

"Let's ask him, shall we?" Michelle put her arm around Steve's waist and gave him what she thought was a long, smouldering look. "Do you want me to turn you back, Stevie-kins?"

"Never!" cried Steve passionately. "Oh, darling, I love you too much for us ever to be parted."

"See?" said Michelle smuggle. "You're much happier this way, aren't you?"

"Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" He fell down to one knee and kissed her hand. "Oh my darling, how I adore you; I wish I had but a thousand years to describe the perfect blue of your eyes--"

"Her eyes are brown."

--the perfect brown of your eyes," continued Steve with barely a break in his verbal spewage. "Never before have I looked upon such beauty, such grace, such--"

"Pass the bucket, Claire," said Sarah. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"You're not the only one," Claire muttered. "Where the hell does she get this dialogue?"

"Usually? 'Titanic', 'Pearl Harbour', Season Two of 'Buffy', that episode of 'Angel' where he turns human, anything by Anne Rice, the last ten minutes of 'Erin Brockovich' and the wedding episodes of 'Eastenders'."

"That explains a lot."

"So what do you think, Steviekins?" cooed Michelle. "Shall we let these nasty girls go?"

"I bow to your infinitely superior judgement, my love."

"Of course you do. Well, I say--"

"I think it says a lot about your self-esteem that you have to turn every man you meet into a simpering, brainless moron before they're interested in you," said Claire.

Michelle's eyes narrowed. "Why you little…um…"

"What the matter? Trying to think of a devastating putdown from Snape that you've nicked from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban?"

"Shut up," hissed Claire. "I can think of my own dialogue, thank you."

"Go on then."

Michelle's mouth opened and closed a few times before snapping shut. "Well, sod this. Stay there for all I care. Come on, Stevekins."

Steve frowned slightly. "You're just going to leave them here?"

"It _is_ what they deserve, Mr Finchley."

They all looked to the entrance way to the cell block where Lord Vetinari was giving them all a cool, appraising stare. "Oh crap," muttered Steve. Michelle started scribbling again.

Claire blushed as his gaze fell on her. "Oh, Lord Vetinari, what a pleasant…I mean, it's so great…" She sighed happily as he raised an eyebrow. "…wow…"

Sarah grinned at her. "You are such a fangirl."

"I see one of you has managed to disable my guards," said Vetinari calmly. "Which one of you is still imbued with your powers?"

Sarah grabbed Michelle's arm. "Keep quiet, Mish," she whispered. "If he figures out that it's you then we're screwed."

"Don't worry," Michelle whispered back. "I have a plan." She shook herself free of her friend's grasp and stepped forward. "Lord Vetinari, we meet at last." Sarah groaned and curled up in a corner of her cell.

Vetinari gave her a polite smile. "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, young lady. And your name is…?"

"Mishakala Creampuff!"

"Oh course it is." Vetinari shook his head in disbelief. "And people think 'Havelock' is bad… So Miss Creampuff, you are a M—a Mmm—a Ma--"

Everyone looked on with concern as Vetinari struggled in vain to get the words out. Well, almost everyone.

"Oh my gods, Mish, what did you do to him?"

Michelle gave her a smug grin. "Changed the world so no-one can say the words Mary-Sue. Y'know like that episode of 'Red Dwarf' with the smeghead thing."

"—Maaaa—a Mmmama—"

Claire gave her an almost admiring look. "That's—that's bloody genius!"

Michelle preened slightly. "Yes, I know."

"Well this is great; just knock the cell doors off before he--"

"No, I don't think so," said Michelle abruptly. She held up her notebook and smiled nastily. "In fact I can think of quite a few other things that need changing around here…"


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Erebos, you really hate Michelle? Good! I'm trying to make her the ultimate Mary-Sue.

_Bwahahahaha!_

* * *

A few days later...

Lord Vetinari gave the Watch Commander a warm smile as he entered the Oblong Office. "Ah, Vimes; how is everything at street level?"

"Much quieter, sir."

"So there's no sign of those accursed people?"

"None whatsoever, sir."

"Excellent." Vetinari stood up, walked over to the large window and looked out at the city. "We came so close, Vimes."

Vimes wandered over to him. "I know, sir."

"Thank gods for Lady Creampuff; we would've been lost without her."

"Yes sir."

Vetinari coughed nervously. "Er…Vimes, could I, um, ask you something?"

"Sir?"

"I wouldn't normally, but…er…lack of experience in this area and so on…" Vetinari said, an uncertain edge to his voice. "…Lady Creampuff…do you…do you think she likes me?"

"I don't know, sir."

"It's just that she is so very beautiful. Clever too." Vetinari sighed. "But I'm practically old enough to be her father."

Vimes smiled. "I know there's an age difference but it's not _that_ bad."

"I'm thirty-five years older than her, Vimes."

"Oh. Well, technically you're old enough to be her grandfather then--"

"You're not helping, Vimes."

* * *

"And here, Archchancellor Potter, we have the HEM building." Ponder swept his arm across in a grandiose gesture, but still he felt something was missing. "Voila," he tried.

"Hmmm," said the new Archchancellor absent-mindedly. He reached up and adjusted the hat on his head; his new one was still being made and so he was wearing one of Ridcully's old ones. If it wasn't for the pillow he'd stuffed into it, it'd be covering his face completely. "What do you do in there?"

Ponder smiled. "We do experiments in there, sir, and we invent stuff--"

"Like what?"

"Um, well we have HEX in there, sir." He saw Harry's blank look and fought the urge to sigh. "It's a thinking machine."

"Like a computer?"

Now it was Ponder's turn to look blank. "A what, sir?"

"A computer. It's a muggle invention," said Harry.

"And a muggle is?"

"A non-wizard, Ponder."

"Oh." Ponder smiled at the boy in what he hoped was a respectful manner. "I, um, wouldn't use that term if I were you, sir."

"Why not?"

"Well, it sounds a bit derogatory. People might get upset."

Harry grinned. "We don't actually tell the muggles that they're muggles, Ponder." He laughed. "Magic is secret, remember?"

Ponder stared at him; was this some kind of joke? "Um, no it's not. Everyone knows about magic, sir. _Everyone_."

"Oh." Harry frowned as he tried to process this new information; it was so strange. Of course, everything about this place was strange, especially how he couldn't exactly remember how he'd gotten here. He remembered leaving his Defence Against The Dark Arts class and chatting with Ron about how stupid Malfoy and his friends were, and the next thing he knew, he was standing in some giant hall and all these wizards were proclaiming him their Archchancellor, whatever that was. He sighed.

"Now about this library--"

"Ah, yes, about that," Ponder interrupted. "We're still having some difficulty getting the Librarian to open the doors."

"Can't you use a spell and magic them open?"

"Not a good idea, sir, using magic that near those many books…it could cause a Critical Mass."

"Couldn't you just break the door down?"

Ponder smiled nervously. "Again, not the best idea, sir. The Librarian's a 300 pound orang-utan and he really wouldn't be too happy if we broke in. Plus we think the former Archchancellor is in there with him; he can be quite handy with a crossbow."

Harry sighed again. The species of the Librarian was yet another thing that was bothering him. "Yeah, about that…"

* * *

"Name?"

"Legolas Greenleaf."

"And you're here because?"

"I wish to aid you in your fight against the evil of the dark tyrant."

Angua looked up at the elf and gave a world-weary sigh. "What?"

"I said I wish to aid you in--"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard." Angua waved a hand irritably. "Is this a joke?"

Legolas gave her a puzzled look. "What?"

"This is, isn't it? I mean, come on, the overly-straight posture, the immovable expression of stern-but-good-natured bravery, the way you seem to stress every…single…syllable; it's just a piss-poor impression of Carrot, isn't it?" Angua smiled grimly. "It was Sally who set you up to this, wasn't it? She could've at least got you a red wig or something."

"Sally…? Who is this Sally?" asked Legolas. "Is she a minion in league with Lord Sauron."

"Worse; she's a lance-constable in league with Nobby," Angua said. "Look, I don't mean to be rude but the jokes over now, so get lost, okay? I hate working the desk at the best of times so stop it."

"But I don't--"

"Hey, Ang—sergeant," said Sally pleasantly as she ambled up to the desk. "Who's your friend?"

Legolas bowed slightly. "Greetings, I am Legolas Greenle--"

"You don't know him?"

"Not yet." Sally gave him a flirtatious smile. "I'm Sally von Humpeding; it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise, my lady."

"Great. Now that all the introductions are over…what _are_ you doing here?" asked Angua.

"As I said before, I am here to aid you in your valiant battle against the evil tyrant," repeated Legolas. He frowned at the puzzled expressions of the two watchwomen. "You are warriors of justice, are you not? You protect the people of this city against wrongdoers?"

"Why do you talk like that?" Angua gave an irritated sigh. "Honestly, it's exhausting just listening to you."

"Oh, I don't know," said Sally, whose gaze was now travelling up and down Legolas' body. "I think he's quite sweet."

"Whatever," said Angua. "Look, we're not warriors of justice or whatever it is Vetinari's changed the name to this week. We're Watchme—Watchwom—we work in the Watch, okay?"

Legolas nodded uncertainly. "Okay."

"So you want to join the Watch?"

"Yes."

"Finally. _Detritus_!"

As the troll sergeant lumbered out from the records room, Legolas suddenly pulled the bow off his back and aimed an arrow at him. "Stand behind me, fair Sally, Lady Angua," he cried. "I shall protect you!"

Sally and Angua exchanged a glance. What the hell…?

Sally tapped him on the shoulder. "Er…protect us from what?"

"From the troll."

"But he's in the Watch; Detritus is a Watch sergeant."

Legolas lowered his bow and gave her a confused look. "You would have the minions of Sauron protect the people of your city?" He suddenly raised the bow again and pointed it at Sally's chest. "Are you in league with him too?"

Sally gulped. She hated being staked at the best of times; here, now, with Angua watching? She'd never hear the end of it. "Who's Sauron?"

"Sauron is the Dark Lord of Mordor!"

"Mordor?"

"Sumfink wrong?" said Detritus, suddenly appearing behind Legolas. The elf whirled around and fired the arrow straight into Detritus' chest; it would've been an impressive shot if it hadn't ricocheted off and hit a nearby Constable in the leg.

"_Aaaargh_!"

The troll gave him a hurt look. "Hey, dat's not nice."

Sally reached for the bow as Legolas grabbed for another arrow. She snapped it half and tossed the pieces behind the desk.

"You know, firing arrows at your training sergeant is generally frowned upon," said Angua dryly. "It tends to send out the wrong message."

"But---but--" Legolas stuttered. "—everyone knows that trolls are in league with--"

"The Dark Lord, yes, we know," said Angua impatiently. "Gods, do you ever talk about anything else?"

Legolas gave her a cold stare. "As an elf I am sworn to protect this place from the evil of--"

"Elf!" cried Angua suddenly. She grinned as Sally and Detritus looked at her in confusion. "Sorry but I've been trying to place that scent for ages; it was really bugging me."

"Hmm," grunted Detritus. He gave Legolas a look that was definitely unfriendly. "So you an elf, den?"

"Yes." Legolas looked around the room; suddenly a lot of the faces were wearing the same unfriendly expression as the Watch Sergeant. "Why?"

* * *

"Excuse me, sir, but you have a visitor," said Drumknott. "It's Lady Creampuff, sir."

Vetinari went pale. "Oh gods." He grabbed Vimes' arm. "Please don't go."

Vimes grinned. "But sir, I've got a lot of work to do--"

"_I don't care_." Vetinari increased his grip. "As Patrician of the city I order you to stay here." He gave Vimes a panicked look. "I can't be in the room alone with her, Vimes; I go all tongue-tied."

Vimes stared at him; seeing Vetinari panicked was definitely a disconcerting sight. "Alright, but I'm not telling her you fancy her for you, okay? I had enough of that stuff at school."

Vetinari nodded hurriedly. "Okay."

The door opened and Michelle sashayed into the room and gave both men a friendly smile. They sighed happily. "Hello, boys."

Vetinari gave her a deep bow. "My lady, it is so wonderful to see you again."

"I know, Havvie."

"It is truly an honour to be in the company of someone who has saved the city," said Vimes. "You're a…hero."

Vetinari gave him a sharp look. "I don't think that could be considered a compliment, Commander."

Vimes suddenly recalled the Patrician's attitude towards heroes and their like. "I mean, you're an inspiration, my lady."

Michelle giggled adorably. "Oh, Sam, you're so sweet! But remember, you've saved the city a few times yourself."

Vimes blushed. "Oh, well…thank you, my lady…" he mumbled.

"Of course you've never saved it against anything like _them_ though, have you?" Vimes shook his head as Michelle smiled. "But then again, only _I_ have the skill, the speed and the intelligence to defeat them. I am…"

"Beautiful? Unique? A fabulously original character?" said Vimes.

Michelle giggled. "Well, yes, of course I am, Sammie, but I'm also a--"

"...Goddess," breathed Vetinari. He gazed at her rapturously before going down on one knee in front of her. "Oh, Lady Creampuff, never before have I gazed upon such beauty! I would be privileged, no, so honoured if you would marry me without delay. Oh, please say you will--"

"What happened to you being tongue-tied?" asked Vimes.

"—shut up, Vimes—say you will or I shall be compelled to throw myself out of that window at the thought of missing out on your most illustrious company for even a moment!" cried Vetinari, placing one hand against his forehead in a dramatic fashion. He looked up at her hopefully, his eyes brimming with love and unshed tears.

Michelle smiled. "Um…okay!"

"You will?"

She nodded.

"Oh, happy day!"

"Good. Well, I've got to go and find a tasteful backless, low-cut, skin-tight dress with a huge slit up both legs to wear for tonight," said Michelle. "So, 'til then…toodles!" She gave them both a little wave and glided out of the room.

Vetinari grinned at Vimes excitedly. "I didn't dream it, did I, Vimes? She really said yes?"

"She certainly did, sir,"

"Oh, that's just so…_wonderful_!" And to Vimes' horror, Vetinari began to dance around the room with joy.

* * *

Legolas quickly turned a corner and rested against it, trying desperately to keep out of sight as the group of watchmen thundered past. What was wrong with this place? It was so _strange_. After all, everyone knew that trolls and their like were not to be trusted and yet here they were respected as equals amongst humans. And as for dwarfs, well everyone knew what they said about _them_. But instead he, Legolas, was being treated no better than an orc.

Deciding it was safe Legolas leaned forward to see if the coast was clear. Just then, a large stony hand grabbed his shoulder.

"Mr Chrysophrase is _very_ upset."

* * *

"Ook."

"Are you sure you want me to baby-sit the Bursar?" asked Ridcully hopefully. "I'd much rather come with you."

"_Ook_."

"Well, yes I know we need to look after him now that we've taken away the Dried Frog Pills but what harm could he really come to if we leave him alone for five minutes? It's just a magical library after all."

"Eek!"

"Fine, I suppose you're right. Well, can I at least make a new hat out of some of these newspapers? I feel naked without one."

The Librarian nodded.

Ridcully sighed. "Good, off you go then." He watched the ape amble off down the bookshelves. "I suppose it's just you and me now, Bursar."

"Oops, Mr Custard dances a tune."

"Does he really?"

* * *

Michelle entered the cell block and threw back her head dramatically. "Hehehehehehehe!"

"Oh gods," groaned Claire. "She can't even do the evil laugh properly."

"Shut up, prisoner," snapped Michelle. "I am the Lady Mishakala Creampuff, soon-to-be-ruler of this city!"

"You're _what_? What happened to Vetinari?"

"Nothing yet," said Michelle. "But I'm thinking of killing him off in the next chapter, y'know, so I can have a death scene where he tells me how he loved me before he even saw me and I can be all sad but brave and sing to him as he dies and stuff."

Sarah chuckled nervously. "But Mish, I've heard you sing; you sound like a donkey being chainsawed in half. I mean, you make Geri Halliwell sound good."

Michelle sniffed. "Yeah, well, I'll just write that I can sing. After all, everyone knows that Mary-Sues have beautiful voices."

"So whose voice will you be basing yours on?"

"Nelly Furtado."

Clare burst out laughing. "But she can't sing either! It's all just clever production and stuff that stops her sounding like she's got the worst case of flu ever!"

"Yeah, well, she's really in right now and she's the only person I can think of, and anyway I can sing like Nelly Furtado if I want!" Michelle stamped her foot and began pouting. "It's _my_ story."

"It's not your story," said Claire wearily. "It's Sarah's story and you've just high-jacked it."

"Gods know how," muttered Sarah.

"Well, I wouldn't have done that if she hadn't of been making it so boring," said Michelle. "All this sitting around in cells, trying to stick to canon as much as possible, it's silly. Everyone knows that in a Mary-Sue fic people like incredibly original crossovers with characters from Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings, and having normally serious middle-aged characters be all wacky and stuff over some teenage girl young enough to be their daughter and not having Vimes arrest them when the girl ends up pregnant and she's only thirteen--"

"Oh gods, what have you done?"

Michelle grinned. "I've just made everything a bit more fun, that's all. I made Harry Potter Archchancellor, and Legolas is going to become a Captain in the Watch and--"

"Legolas?" asked Claire. "You've brought an elf into Ankh-Morpork?"

"Yes, why?"

Claire turned to Sarah and smiled unpleasantly. "She's never read 'Lords and Ladies', has she?"

Sarah shook her head and Claire turned back to Michelle with an even more unpleasant smile.

"Elves, even ones like Legolas, are not liked on the Discworld," explained Claire slowly, as if she were talking to a moronic child. Although actually, she was…sort of. "Elves here are nasty and cruel and like to torture people for fun--"

"But I didn't write Legolas like that; I wrote him like Orlando Bloom from the films!"

"Because she's never read the books," sighed Sarah.

"Do you just not read? Ever?" snapped Claire. She paused and reverted back to her more soothing tones. "Look, even if he isn't like that, people will still think he is. And actually, they're probably quite likely to kill him anyway if you've written him like Bloom because dear gods, that way he'd stress every…single…syllable as if it were some kind of death speech--"

"You're getting off topic, Claire," said Sarah quietly.

"—sorry, but you have to admit that was annoying—dwarfs and trolls here hate elves. Literally _hate_ them. And you've just sent Legolas to go and work for an organisation with one of the highest proportions of dwarf and troll workers in the city. Do you get my point?"

"No."

"They'll rip him apart, Mish," sighed Sarah.

"But they're Watchmen!"

"That just means they'll be sneaky about it." Sarah put her head in her hands. "Gods, next thing you'll be telling us that you brought Buffy back."

Michelle froze. "…um…"

Sarah's head snapped up and she glared at her former friend. "You did, didn't you? You stupid cow, what season?"

"Season three."

Claire smiled. "Well, that's not too bad then. She'll just meet a strangely alluring bad girl and become her best friend in an extremely slashy way. Then the girl will accidentally kill someone, become influenced by some morally-dubious character and she and Buffy will end up trying to kill each other." She sighed. "Faith was so hot."

Michelle nodded slowly. "Yeah, that's what I thought would happen too. But, um, it didn't quite work out like that…"

* * *

Author's Note: (grinning) I'm just going to sit back now and wait for all the Legolas fans to flame me…

Oh, and if Legolas and Harry were out of character then they were supposed to be. Yes. That's why. Um...


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: I'd like to apologise in advance for the song. Oh dear.

_Warning_: If you're a Legolas fan, you may want to skip his bits. Seriously, I've had to up the story rating because of it.

* * *

"--We were the children of the night 

But got the feeling it wasn't quite right

So we tried living in the morning light

But bursting into flame gave us quite a fright

Oh we're living not in vein

And we don't want blood, oh no

Yes, we know it's not the same

But life's better with hot cocoa

And the answer came to us very soon

That there was more to life than that under the moon

So we crept out of coffin, crypt and tomb

And became the children of the afternoon

Oh we're living not in vein

And we don't want blood, oh no

Yes, we know it's not the same

But life's better with hot cocoa."

Doreen Winkings looked at assembled group of Temperance members and smiled as they put down their hymn books and turned to face her. "Brothers and sisters," she said. "I vish you all to velcome our new member, Mr S--"

Suddenly the door burst open in a shower of splinters, accidentally staking several nearby vampires. Thankfully though, they had all had the foresight to purchase some of Otto Chriek's blood vials and within seconds were back to their normal shape, slightly dazed but unharmed. A stern-looking blond woman stormed through the door and glared at them all.

Doreen gave her a welcoming smile. "Velcome, my child. How may ve help you?"

The woman looked her up and down disdainfully. "I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer." She sneered slightly. "You're not a vampire, why are you dressed like that?"

"I am a vampire by marriage--"

"Whatever." Buffy dismissed the woman with a wave of her hand and turned her attention to the other occupants of the room. "I'm going to explain this to save time. I'm the vampire Slayer. _The_, not a. You are all vampires, so I'm going to kill you. Please line up, it'll save time."

"Um…" Otto shot a confused glance at … who shrugged. "Excuse me, young lady but there must be some kind of mistake…?"

"Why?"

"Ve are all Black Ribboners." He held up his little twist of ribbon as proof. "Ve don't kill humans so they don't kill us, it's an arrangement. And ve are all b-total anyvay."

Buffy frowned. "B-total?"

"Ve don't drink any bl—b—blo—any of zer red stuff."

"Seriously?"

"Yes." The rest of the group held up their ribbons too.

"But you're vampires!" Buffy cried, looking totally confused. "You're supposed to kill people and be evil or if you don't kill people you could at least be morally-corrupt or brood until your forehead sticks out three inches further than your face."

"Sorry." Otto shrugged. "I could try zer brooding if you'd like?"

Buffy nodded and Otto scowled. "How's zis?"

Buffy looked at him critically. "No, that's not quite it. Try pushing your eyebrows down more…yeah, like that…and er, more frowning…yeah, that's almost it but there's something missing…?"

"Like vot?"

"I don't know!" cried Buffy, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration. "I'm the Slayer, I shouldn't have to think of this stuff! I keep telling them that killing vampires is beneath me now, I mean I've fought Gods and invincible Frankenstein rip-offs and giant snakes and won, so the whole vampire thing is such a waste of my time. But then they said it's my sacred duty. And then I said sacred duty should have an expiration limit on it because it's been like, seven years. Yeah, killing vamps is fun for the first couple of months or so but it gets so dull after that, but do they listen? No, because it's always up to me--"

As the girl blathered on Otto found his gaze travelling to her neck. Looking around, he saw several other League members doing the same. He gripped his ribbon tighter.

"-Just because I'm naturally superior and insist on having everything done my way doesn't mean that I should have to make all the plans--"

Doreen sidled over to the newest member of the League. The blond vampire smirked at her. "Looks like you've got Slayer problems," he said. "That's a bad piece of luck."

"So it vould seem." Doreen smiled. "This completely goes against League policy of course, but several members of our group look like they're having trouble keeping to the oath under the current circumstances. I vould never suggest it normally but as you haven't taken the oath yet…"

"—all of their plans are rubbish of course, involving all those silly tactics and things when everyone knows that to fight a vastly superior army all you have to do is just charge in there even if your troops don't have much training--"

"So you want me to take care of her for you, do you, pet?" The vampire's smirk increased. "No problem."

"Are you sure you could do it? Ve vould be happy to hold her down for you."

"Of course I can; unlike her I'm from season two." The vampire grinned toothily. "By the way, the name's Spike."

* * *

"So despite the fact that you wrote her from season three, she still came out like she was from season seven?" 

Michelle nodded. "Yeah, I don't know why." She sniffed. "And I don't care."

Sarah sighed. "It was probably because of all the retcons in season six. So how did you get into Vetinari's good graces anyway?"

"I showed up, he saw my natural wonderfulness and it just went on from there."

"Yeah, but you must've done something, right? Saved the city from unspeakable evil or something like that," said Sarah. "So what did you do?"

"I saved Ankh-Morpork from the Borg."

"You did _what_?" shrieked Claire. "How in the hell could you save the…I mean, it's completely different genres…I just…I can't…it's so…_ow_…" she put her head in her hands. "Great, now you've given me a stress headache."

Michelle stamped her foot like the immature little girl she really was. "Yeah, well it did work and I was very brave, so there! Honestly, you'd think there was something wrong with arming trolls and dwarfs with fasers and having wizards cast spells on biomechanical cyborgs."

"It was a brilliant idea, my sweet," murmured Steve from his cell. "I only wish that I'd been there to witness your triumph."

* * *

"So dis is the elf, den?" asked Chrysophrase. "Don't look like much. What you doing in my city, elf??" 

"I am here to save you all from the evil of the dark tyrant," answered Legolas stiffly. "For I am Legolas Greenlea--"

"What dark tyrant? Vetinari?"

The troll standing behind the elf shrugged as Chrysophrase looked at him. "Dunno, boss. Damn elf kept going on about him, though."

"Hmm." Chrysophrase nodded. "I am going to offer you advice. Don't go around calling Vetinari a tyrant. He don't like it. Remember Reacher Gilt."

Legolas frowned. "Reacher who?"

"Reacher Gilt. Big man in der city. Called Vetinari a tyrant, next thing we know, the Igors at der hospital get a new delivery of body parts."

"Never proved it were Vetinari's fault, though, boss," added the henchtroll. "Never proved it were Reacher Gilt."

"Dat's right. Coz Vetinari smart like me. He want person gone, you never even _hear_ about it."

"Oh." Legolas looked thoughtful for a second. But only a second. "Well, never mind, I'm not scared of him! I shall leave this place, journey to the Palace and strike down the face of evil--" He stood up and made to go for the door but the henchtroll was blocking his way.

"Going somewhere?"

"I must journey to the Palace immediately," said Legolas. "Move now or be moved."

"Really?" The henchtroll grinned a hundred carat smile and looked over the elf's head at Chrysophrase. "Boss?"

Chrysophrase nodded. "Teach dis elf a lesson in manners."

The henchtroll nodded and raised a fist. "Wif pleasure, boss."

* * *

The Librarian poked the sleeping Ridcully gently. "Ook." 

"What? I wasn't asleep, just resting my eyes! What?" Ridcully blinked with confusion as a small sheaf of papers were pressed into his hand. He looked down and tried to focus. "'How I Went to Ankh-Morpork and Everyone Loved Me by Michelle Ficklepepper, a.k.a FairyPrincess323.'" He cautiously opened it and managed to read a paragraph before shutting it in disgust. "Well it looks like the right one."

"Ook."

"You're right, no time to lose. BURSAR!"

"Kibble, guitar string, wants a pie?" The Bursar slowly floated down from the ceiling and smiled insanely at him.

"We've got a little job for you." Ridcully grinned as the Librarian pushed a piece of paper and a pen towards the Bursar. He pointed at the name on the manuscript. "Do your worst."

* * *

"My granddad used to tell me about de elves," said Chrysophrase almost conversationally as the dull sound of stone smacking meat echoed throughout the room. "He told me how dey'd chisel their names into troll bodies. And how dey'd get little troll kids, and dey'd get a hammer…dat's enough, leave him alone." 

He waited until the moans descended into ragged sobs. "But do you know der thing dey liked to do der most?" He waited for a reply and smiled when all he received was a gurgle. "Dey'd capture a troll, chain 'im up and cover 'im with pitch…."

The henchtroll picked up a bucket of a nearby furnace and poured its contents over the recumbent elf.

Chrysophrase calmly lit a cigar and tossed the matchbook to the henchtroll. "…And den dey'd set fire to 'im."

* * *

"—And then I said, 'I don't want to do it. So I didn't'!" 

"Amazing," sighed Vetinari. He gave her a huge smile. "I must say, this has been such a pleasant evening; it's not often that I get to spend time with someone as lovely as yourself."

"That's because there isn't anyone else as lovely as me, Havvie," chided Michelle gently. "I thought you would've known that."

"Of course, forgive me." He reached out and ran his hand over her hair. "Gods, you're beautiful," he murmured.

"More beautiful than Margolotta?"

"Much, _much_ more beautiful. More intelligent too. Oh, my love, will you join the City Council? You are so wise and intelligent and generally wonderful that it would be a travesty not to invite you to join." said Vetinari.

Michelle frowned. "But the Council would be so boring." Suddenly she smiled. "Oh, I've got a better idea! Why don't you just get me to make all the decisions and you and the Council can do all the work for me?"

"Perfect!" Vetinari gave her a loving smile. "Truly you are a marvel."

"Okay, well, my first decision is…" Michelle screwed up her face as she attempted to think. "…the Assassin's Guild uniform should be blue. It's much more cheerful than boring old black."

"But the black is traditional, my love, and it does tend to help the Guild cut down on the death rate of its members," said Vetinari slowly.

"Yeah, but blue is more cheerful," Michelle pouted. "Oh, plee-e-eease, Havvie."

"As if I could refuse you anything, my love," Vetinari said. "I have something for you."

"A present? _Eeeeee_!" squealed Michelle.

"Yes." He pulled a ring-box out of his pocket and opened it dramatically. "It's the engagement ring you wanted. It _was_ buried with my mother but as you insisted…"

"Well, it is a family heirloom, Havvie, so that means it's really expensive. Besides, I'm worth it, aren't I?"

"Of course you are, my darling." Vetinari placed the ring reverently on her finger. "There; it looks marvellous."

"Hmm." Michelle looked at it critically. "Not bad. Of course you'll have to buy me earrings and a necklace to match it. And a dress, new shoes, coat, bag and a carriage to match it all."

"But--"

"You _do_ want me to be happy, don't you?" Michelle pouted. "Anyway, I know you're rich; I read it in 'Sourcery'."

"Sourcery?" asked Vetinari. "What does sourcery have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, nothing." Michelle waved a hand impatiently. "Let's do something fun; tell me how beautiful I am."

"Very well." Vetinari kissed her hand and smiled. "Your hair is the colour of sunshine; truly it is the perfect shade of pure blonde. It's silky, and beautiful, and never out of place--" He stopped suddenly and his happy, lovesick gaze turned into an icy glare. "Oh no, not _again_."

* * *

A/N: Uh-oh, it looks like something's gone wrong… 

Before I write and post the next chapter I'd like a bit of audience participation. I would like you to please tell me what you think should happen to each of the Mary Sues/Marty Stus. You have three options to choose from:

1. Lord Vetinari should let them go, because they're very lovable really and they're just misunderstood.

2. Lord Vetinari should have them escorted back to Roundworld because they're so dangerous.

3. Lord Vetinari should have them horribly tortured and executed in Sator Square because they're downright evil.

So send me a message/email/review with something like: 'I think Claire should get … Sarah should get … ' and so on. I'll wait until I have a reasonable amount of votes before I write the next chapter.

Oh, and well done to everyone who spotted the parody. And thank you to everyone who offered the nice advice. As for the person who sent in the incredibly brutal review...I shall refrain from commenting on _you_ at this time.


	8. Chapter 8

Sigh People just don't read things properly, do they...

In the last chapter I say that Michelle's penname is FairyPrincess323. Click back to the story listings screen and you will see a story titled 'Mr Vimes, Meet Lady Vetinari' by an author of that name. It is a terrible story, but it is terrible on purpose.

I wanted to see if anyone would give something that bad any good reviews, plus it helped to keep Michelle in character. It was a joke. Well done to everyone who figured out the joke. Thank you to the people who offered nice advice on that story.

Erebos, you were not the person I was referring to. I actually enjoyed your review, because it made me do my evil laugh, which is always fun. I was referring to the person who submitted the brutal review for _that_ story. They know who they are.

Signed,

TheMidgetBee.

P.S. If you have any questions, send me a message or something.


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